It’s hard to see the stars here,

but my friend assures me that they are there.

In broad daylight, you’d be hardpressed to see stars, but in the day, no one is actually looking for stars.

It’s also going to rain again – it rained this morning already, but it’s going to rain again and I guess I’ve always taken rain as a given.

Yesterday, I read a quote.

“It’s okay to cry. The sky does it too.”

So, it’s okay to cry.

Here it rains often but it’s almost peaceful to sit out in the rain and let the drops soak into your skin.

It’s cold, your skin turns a shade paler and of course, you feel cold – your finger pads wrinkle and your heartbeat slows a little.

Your body is trying to conserve heat after all – homeostasis and the entire process of maintaining an internal body temperature of about 37 deg. C.

The hypothalamus and the pituitary gland, ADH and hair erector muscles, shunt vessels and constriction of your skin arterioles.

(I’m losing it, losing all of it and yet none of the empty space is being replaced by anything about curve – the curve of the left ventricle, bound by the septum that prevents the mixing of oxygenated and de-oxygenated blood – curve? Oh supply-demand curve, yes, they call it a curve but it’s for the sake of learning and testing straight lines, in actual fact it is a curve when extrapolated to infinity yes?)

I’m getting confused and my head is at war with my other head. I feel like I have two heads, one in my skull and the other in my ribcage – bones that are solid that shield internal organs from physical trauma like adipose tissues.

It’s ironic, I used to think that if there was a science I would drop, I would drop Biology.

It’s Fe-ic, but I miss balancing equations and titration with my table partner, I am no longer sure if what I loved was the subject or the experience of learning that subject.

When I said I loved History, was it the idea of History or just my experience learning it? Because in contrast I thought tectonics was cool but I didn’t take Geography.

What a time to be questioning this.

Chem-is-try hold it like a shield, a vanguard but now you can’t even remember the reactivity series: Please send charlotte money wrapped in large heavy chains, satisfaction guaranteed?

Someone recently asked me if I was ‘happy’ and my answer was that I’m not ‘unhappy’.

It’s day 25, and now the ache is like a thought at the back of my mind, so that must be progress.

I was just doing math and I thought about it again, I like math, but how much of that is that math is comforting in its one-to-one function, one input one output and no deviations from the truth – the fact that (the fact) math doesn’t lie.

Do I love math in and of itself? Could I..?

I do not know.

What does it mean to like/love something? Surely you love not everything of it, should something change would you love it still?

I do not know, I find myself questioning this thought as tomorrow draws closer.

What do I truly like or enjoy?

Is there such a thing, or are these associations from my childhood that I hold on to because they are comforting and normal, assuring in their existence.

[ unlike people, math doesn’t lie. in and of themselves, numbers are honest and cannot hide a thing. the problem still lies with humans. ]

Do questions like that matter?

I thought

I found a way

stayed on the beaten track

stayed safe and warm in

this bubble of clean air.

Yet here I am looking

looking for a better

safer, kinder, warmer

place to hide from all

My doubts and fears

still, I am afraid and

I tell myself that that’s

still okay, for now.

To find one must venture, step out of a greenhouse

into the blazing sun to find that shady spot.

Basil died of dehydration.

Again, I am not

Basil and where

Basil has given in,

I will fight that bad fight.

Concrete poetry is interesting, huh.

I also wondered,

what makes a poem a poem,

and why prose chopped

 

into paragraphs were poems but then

I guess if that counts then,

this can be a poem too,

huh.

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