I took a picture of the stars

aperture f 2.8, shutter 30.0s, ISO 100.

Day 23 (now 24) I am in a dark forest, wandering cold and alone but – my phone rings.

.

I cannot stand alone by myself for myself.

But I can do it for the people who need it more. I can do it for the people who need me more because that’s where I have found purpose.

They trust me to be whole, stable, a rock for them to rely on and I do not tire.

A non-Newtonian fluid, solid only under pressure – as they need me and I answer that call and I laugh, “Hey what’s up?”

When their voice cracks and then I go, “Hey, what’s wrong?”

.

I am in a dark forest, standing still and watching the stars burn above me – your voice washes around me,

The call doesn’t happen, but all around me people are crying out and my heart aches.

The “Hey, are you okay?” that I know I needed at my lowest point, I will be that, that will be my North Star.

People are fickle, you do not exist if they do not need you – that is a silly way to think of things because you aren’t you in and of yourself – you cannot exist if no one else exists.

There is no idea of ‘you’.

It is foolish and stupid to say that your main purpose is to see other people happy, but for now at least, that is what makes me happy.

I am happiest when I see people happy.

Other than that, I have no particular idea of what is ‘me’, or what ‘I’ want.

I’m still looking for that. But until then, I will calibrate myself to what makes the people around me happy.

As a temporary stopgap measure, until I feel less off-kilter, less like a sextant out of whack, less like a compass which has been dropped one too many times.

Until I can tell myself that what I want is truly what ‘I’ want I will not make decisions like this and say words I will not be able to retract

[ it makes me so angry and they are just so easy to blame, the blame falls so naturally but blame never helped anyone – it makes me so angry that I am the one feeling cut up inside when they are so whole. ]

I am quite nervous for blocks, but if I were more then I wouldn’t be writing this, I would be studying.

I guess I prepped for MTL As by doing homework, but I don’t know – I doubt that I am ready for As.

My parents don’t approve of me going for a ridiculous number of MUNs.

Even I know 4 a month is excessive.

MUN is emotionally draining and mentally tiring, therefore physically demanding as well.

But mostly, the first.

I chose the first MUN, () I guess I wanted but was also obliged to, the second I didn’t have a choice.

June MUN no. 4 is kind of by choice but more of circumstance – I have a friend who will be chairing. I have a friend who had to withdraw.

Why am I going..?

Because I’ve chaired before and it’s… hard.

It’s hard.

And they came for () so I guess this is a repayment, a thank you because I’m grateful that they came.

Though they didn’t have to – and I don’t have to, they agreed and therefore I would go as well.

I didn’t intend to at the beginning so maybe this is a weird double standard but I still…

Now I’m going and I am afraid that I will decide later that it was a mistake.

I will not regret going to support friends – the main reason why I find myself in MUN no matter how shallow a reason that may be.

Unlike the people trying to overcome their fear of public speaking, or people trying to do this and do that – ( how many seniors have spoken jokingly of my reason because I’ve never actually said that’s the reason why I mun? I do not keep count any more, I cannot say it out loud because then )

I mun for the sake of my friends and for the relationships I have made through MUN, not for a greater reason or anything, I have no big dreams of this or that.

[ every time they say, “If you say you mun only for friends, then you are in the wrong place. I trust that you all are different,” I will only look away because unlike the people beside me (they whom I mun with and for) that is me – each time they say and say and rephrase I feel even more displaced. ]

Yet, what I might regret are other things.

This time round can I keep giving, keep telling myself that MUN is good for GP?

Though I would just mooch around and not study at home in that same time… still, it sounds pretty bad, huh.

People have big dreams.

I have a couple of seniors organising this Philosophy Olympiad.

That’s kind of cool, don’t you think?

It’s not my kind of thing. No matter how much assurance they give I still feel like the skew is towards my KI classmates.

That’s my own thing, I don’t love philosophy enough to get over the initial barrier to entry – still, I wish them best of luck.

I don’t have big dreams, I am a normal, average and rather boring person? I’m happy like this, but I would be happier if then I felt less and hurt less.

I would like to sleep easy for once.

Just tonight at least, please.

Stars,

watch over me kindly,

twinkling in the sky.

 

Breeze,

bother me not,

this cold night.

 

Fear,

strike me not,

not so soon at least wait,

till a time where I can

breathe.

 

Undo,

all these wrongs I have committed

against innocent people.

 

I am so sorry

that I cannot fix us.

I mean this sorry, but I’m

 

starting

to think that you do not see the point or need in fixing this,

I cannot do this on my own –

if that will be your reaction then I will

stop.

 

Nothing hurts me more than your

apparent apathy;

Maybe even more painful is that

you don’t seem to have

intended to hurt me.

 

(that’s weird.

if anything that should make it hurt less,

huh.)

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