In the dark I thought I saw

that the big tree near my home got cut down.

Thankfully, it wasn’t. It was just the dark leaves blending into the night sky.

I started in shock though, when I first saw what I thought was just the trunk.

Today was the last day of school – it gives me funny mixed feelings, because school is out but I have to go back to school and I have work to do, but also because the end of school didn’t give me any closure.

Think of it like this, half the year is gone, but, what has happened in this half a year?

I don’t feel like I achieved anything of note.

Maybe that’s just because we usually have exams and results before the June Holidays?

This last week has been a week with many downs and a couple of ups – today we ended on a happy, albeit bittersweet note.

I know there are lots of could-have-beens and that there is no point in entertaining all these thoughts now.

But sometimes I really do…

I really do regret things and too many things and there’s no point to it but I can’t help it.

It’s funny how when you prepare yourself for disappointment you still can’t help but feel disappointed at the end.

I had known it could have been and expected it to be and predicted even – that didn’t mean I wanted it to.

And then that traitorous bit that allowed me to get my hopes up.

[expectation is the root of all heartache – sorry, have I said this before? I don’t know, but I’m in a bit of a mood and my thoughts are running away]

I feel upset that I was ‘led on’, but I’m more angry that I allowed myself to hope so much.

I am upset that I’m so upset because being upset, being disappointed, being hurt, feeling cheated doesn’t help anyone.

It certainly doesn’t help me – no one wants to feel crappy, that doesn’t make sense.

And carrying a mood and attitude like this into the future doesn’t help the people I’ll still be working with.

It’s not their fault – I can’t find anyone to blame, not that that would help things but I can’t find a good enough reason for any blame to placed

[i can’t help but feel like it’s my fault, mine. if i had done something better than maybe… maybe… maybe…]

I feel like a liar.

I am I liar I guess.

I told them I was okay – they actually asked if I would cry over () and I laughed.

I l a u g h e d.

I mean, they were joking and if I said yes then I would have misinterpreted the question.

But that’s not the point of all this.

The point is that I have to find a way to look past this – look at it in all the directions I told everyone else who asked me about it – all the 101 positives but I still feel sad and I can’t really help it.

() was something that I was really looking forward to. I enjoyed the process very much, but if the efforts have no culmination I can’t help but feel there isn’t… meaning?

That’s weird.

I mean.

I took a long break before coming back here to write.

I made kim kueh key, if you’re curious.

Of course there’s meaning, there’s always next year but school ended and I didn’t get closure.

I would talk about it but talking about it will help only me and my feelings and that’s not worth it if I end up upsetting people who have already made peace and had closure.

No point ‘stirring the brown stuff’ as our lovely-callous-patient-sarcastic teacher says.

Is this brown stuff..?

(I don’t know.)

I do know that my arm aches from stirring the yellow kim kueh key batter-dough thing.

I looked forward to () a lot, a lot.

But I don’t know how much of that was the thought of being part of it.

I should think that that’s the main thing.

Before Thursday, tempering the dread was the idea that I was part of a grand thing – this ‘grand thing’ idea is a linking thread I find with all of my friends.

We’re searching for something.

The dread was partially being part of the ‘grand thing’, but now that there isn’t a role for me to really play… everything is gone and I’m just a little disappointed.

My fingers feel really heavy.

I can’t explain the sensation, but it’s not foreign – just usually not on my fingers.

My GP holiday homework is a comprehension revolving around the theme of ‘freedom of speech’.

My question is, how do I differentiate between that and being brutal or being tactful?

“Having a right to do it doesn’t mean that you are right in doing it.”

Before you ask what is right and what is not…

I want to say things that will make me feel better but will probably make someone else feel worse.

Think of it the other way – someone has said things to me that has made them feel less guilty but has made me feel… worse.

How is any of this fair if no matter what, someone will be hurt at some point in time?

How is any of anything fair? Why am I so disappointed? Why can’t I just be happy that today so many good things happened and just forget yesterday like it was just another set back in the grand scheme of things.

It’s not constructive to feel sad.

It’s not constructive to feel disappointed.

But it doesn’t matter when I don’t have anything to do. Being constructive doesn’t matter if there’s nothing to construct.

-ive is nothing.

Last night I dreamt that I cried instead, when they asked if I was going to cry, or if when I was told, {as if I was so dense and out of the loop like I couldn’t even ready myself for something like this} (No, no, no, I’m not, I saw this coming, I saw it) shell-shocked and like those drama sequences where an actor suddenly sheds a tear from one eye.

At least, I think I dreamed of that. I don’t remember the result.

Crying is an emotional peak. Nothing reaches higher.

At this point in time, people are the most vulnerable – not necessarily the person crying but the people watching, the people not crying.

Watching a human being look so vulnerable makes you vulnerable.

I am concerned that as people have said, there are people who have been compromised.

Unless I’m so wound, I’d like to think I can prevent myself from crying. It’s hard to cry on demand though. (who wants to make themselves feel like crap just to cry?)

-but if you see a train coming and don’t get out of the way it will still hit you with the force of its entirety. in fact, because you are aware, you might even be in more pain upon impact-

I have been utterly compromised.

When I was told, maybe the reality didn’t set in.

I laughed like we had a normal conversation, I thanked him for telling me and told him not to apologise – everything he said I could have predicted from the dread in my gut but I couldn’t let him know that I was so hurt. I think.

Maybe?

It’s not that I don’t trust them enough, they are nice people and having worked with him for a while, I’d like to think he’s a good person I could probably talk about it with.

Though he doesn’t seem that stable an emotional support, I think he was asking if I was okay (he did at the beginning, in the middle, at the end three times he asked and the ‘no’ times I replied a negative.)

How ironic it is to ask things like this online when if I had the desire to (talk) or have someone in a similar situation to me, I can’t bring myself to.

Because the last message in our history is during a time I pretended to know nothing because I thought he knew nothing and I don’t want to mess that up.

Have I mentioned I am an awkward person?

And awkward people don’t really do the talking about my own feelings thing well – but I want to try to be honest, at least with myself.

I am disappointed.

I am so very, very, very, disappointed. There’s no way to deny that.

I am not, however, disappointed in the logic behind decisions.

He said so, “There’s a lot of things I don’t have a say in lah, basically.”

I know the higher-ups thought a lot – I trust that some tried to help us but ultimately the conclusion they came to was the same as mine.

It still hurts you know?

There are no changing things now, no going back on decisions that have been made but I kind of feel like my spirit is broken.

How do I fix myself?

I know this isn’t in the very least entertaining (maybe it is.)

But at the very least, I’d like to open up and pour my brain out here.

I hope that if you go through something similar, you remember how things unfolded for me.

My conclusion from today’s soul-searching is that it’s more important to know how you actually feel than jump to blame.

Blame gets you nowhere.

Feelings get you nowhere.

All these intangible things like feelings and pain and regret and hurt – throw them all away like they’re useless because they don’t help, therefore they have no point in being.

I have decided, I must shove these feelings not deeper into me, but out.

Pour everything out and then never let them back in.

(I can’t help that I feel.)

My choice is this. If he’s online now, I’ll tell him.

He’s not online probably because it’s pretty late in the night, and I saw the message at the top – I sound so hopeful and happy and (I was) I was so caught up with the idea of it.

People say that this side of things is all-consuming. I don’t want to be consumed. I am going to stop this.

So, I won’t tell him.

[I’m a bit thankful he’s not online. If not I’d have to write out a thought process on how to start a conversation.]

Stop this

madness right here and

now, I want out of this entire

tumultuous mess of my emotions

where I can’t stop anything  and

all things are out

of my own

c

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n

t

r

o

l

3 thoughts on “In the dark I thought I saw

Add yours

    1. Glad to see you made it through haha, I think this is my longest post yet. Happy to see that it could help you a little 🙂 Honestly, just one thing still weighing on my mind but my feelings have blown it up. Everyone else seems to have moved on, I need a little more time to come to terms because nothing I feel will change things. It doesn’t help to stay upset after all

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