I told a friend I was going to write

and work, and then play.

Looking at the time now, I am not sure if I will get the latter two done.

It’s cold tonight and I’m oddly enough, listening to a recording of my own singing.

In the background, my little sister has just stomped up the stairs saying, “Stupid exams.”

I’m not sure if it’s my voice, or the song, or the cold wind that has just made me shiver.

I hear myself fiddling with my keys in the recording.

My little sister is quiet in the other room, I have to hope that she is studying because I’m not and that’s so ironic and terrible.

She’s counting on me to study and yet, what am I doing here.

Acting like I’m studying, math notes open in front of me and some days I really feel like… like… (I can’t find the word for it)

I’m running out of time.

Everyone is running out of time.

There isn’t enough time.

Are you actually doing what you want to do?

I want to… (run away)

I can’t say it out loud because if I do then it’ll become too real.

We say this with friends and classmates in school but there’s always this knowledge that we can’t run away – there’s no danger.

When I am alone and I think about running away – ah, that’s when it becomes a little bit too real and you know it’s time to take a step back.

You c a n n o t.

Imagine you are a ruler of a hundred people.

You’re facing a winter and you have one power generator.

Heat means life.

But your generator is being stressed too much – the pressure valve instead needs to be fixed.

You have only two choices, 1. Use up a valuable resource that could mean life and death in the near future, or 2. Send a child in to release that valve and likely kill that child.

[what if I told you that child would be killed in a most gruesome manner]

Can you imagine, how hot that machine would be?

What is that child going in there to do, I could ask.

I won’t say any more.

That child cannot run away.

They will perform their duty and they will save their community.

You pick, (1) or (2).

Do games reflect your choices in real life?

Do game characters reflect a bit of you?

When I pick the role of a cleric in a game… what am I saying?

[the game is Frostpunk if you’re interested.]

Repeating, repeating I’m trying,

Repeating and healing,

Repeating and defeating,

Rising and spiralling,

Uncertain consciousness of overrunning,

The time is running out and you are drowning,

Refreshing and reloading,

Click the reset button and it will be okay again.

Ah.

If only I had a reset button.

If only you had a reset button: Those who say they won’t do anything different are

liars.

[Oh the word I was looking for. There it is.]

I’m going to do math now.

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