I can drive now,

but let’s not drive each other up walls.

–

After 18 months, I can drive about legally on my own with a fluorescent triangle plate on the front and back of the family vehicle.

All the same wide turnings and beating red lights, one extra paper and one more card in my phone case do not change my actual ability to drive.

–

There’s work tomorrow, unlike how there was work today (that I didn’t touch). But at least I got a couple of emails out.

I’m looking forward to Thursday not for work, obviously.

In an imaginary future, depending on when and if I get there, I hope that work can at least be as acceptable as school. Where I will not pull my blanket full of holes over my head and pretend that there is no light.

In this second year that is approaching so closely, I have to work as hard as I have worked so that the time is worth it.

For the little one, plastic shell and all, waiting and waiting. For my chocolate dreams and forests and the Northern Lights.

The things that I think about only now and then, the things I have begun to doubt I actually ‘want’.

Right now, I want to test the acidity of the soil that has killed my mint plants.

–

I also need to find and read cases to produce the report that professor allocated – much in the way I need to well, sort another professor’s citations and things of sorts.

The feeling of earning money is really something.

Why am I the happiest then, doing segging work for free?

I’m not sure.

Citations will be done next weekend. So today, a Monday holiday for my younger sister and not for anyone else, I should start researching those cases.

Can I imagine a future of doing that? No, I can’t. A future where I sit here at home, at my own table and doing work like this.

I want a better division between work and home. It doesn’t have to be a work-life balance, but this as it is, is not it.

–

I still have yet to complete Stranger, which I definitely wanted to watch in this holiday.

–

Thursday has flown by, a good day.

It is Sunday again, Strangerless but also without the work complete.

Tomorrow I have to submit the citation report, and it’s a couple hours away from ‘ready’.

Instead, I completed Mouse. While along the way, some of the twists could be predicted, they were never the twists anyone would have hoped or rooted for.

Since it means that blood breeds true and there is no escape.

When they revealed that it was frontal lobe surgery, there’s the faintest niggling that Ba Reum was the problem, since it controls emotions and not memory.

What is possessiveness if not jealousy by another name?

–

An interesting show, but not one that I watched sedately, we tore through it.

–

What lovely weather tonight that it is for sleep – I almost regret that there is a meeting tonight.

I have to wake up tomorrow to work, since I have no motivation to do more tonight.

Afraid of napping and oversleeping.

I can drive, but I stay still.

–

And still I,

shivering in the cold

waiting for damp hair to freeze or dry

either.

A charged phone glows blue,

the charger heated not red

then my partners two years younger and

more,

I am supposed to know better and be able to help.

But I don’t.

Not yet, and not now,

not even to hear a true sound

the ringing in my ears – a shared alarm.

And still I,

said that I will protect you.

To be able to do that is to push beyond

myself

what I am not yet

and always really wish I could be.

But I don’t have that

‘iron’. I am a bamboo stake,

readied over another’s shoulder

to be launched like a cannon,

emptying a circle and filling an absence.

“Adding a hole to a full bag”

to run away with the treasure,

dropping some and keeping your life at it.

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