Today I realised that

[17/10]

what matters is not what is inside but what appears on the outside.

–

People only care about the inside when it begins to surface – there is no way they can see what is inside, after all.

That’s the implication of ‘outside’.

–

[26/10]

It’s not today any more.

Today I had to make a choice of a thing, a risk and neither outcome will be good. It’s painful that this hinges on my own weakness. But I guess that’s natural.

swim or sink – if you sink, decide what you will give up so you can float.

I can swim, in real life, of course.

But I can’t swim like they want me to.

Not right now.

I’m (-), (), look down upon me.

All the same, I don’t want to just float. I want to swim.

I will swim for my life, but the statistics show, even strong swimmers drown.

Then what can a weak swimmer do?

In front of them, I had a complete meltdown.

It’s okay to meltdown, like I said, it releases stress.

But, I guess, I just didn’t want to look weak, not in front of them.

I never wanted to show how badly affected I was, but I am.

Hard work means nothing without results – for not bringing the results I apologise.

But, I will beg them, if it comes down to.

If I drown, please, let me float away.

I don’t want to let go of what I love in order to work on my weakness.

And yet, all the same, if that means I must leave…

Then, I have to.

There’s the sunk cost fallacy. But I think, there will be where I must cut my losses.

Even if my heart aches, even if I end up being transplanted, I will have to be okay.

Is it wrong to have been here if this was the result?

I submitted my cat, my pain, but what does cat even stand for, I forgot, and I just realised I was lacking.

I should have thought harder about why I wanted this place

(no, please? Don’t forget why you are here and how you ended up here, remember that you w a n t e d )

But that got you in trouble.

But, if you weren’t, would you have had the chances and the friends you have now? No.

I can’t say I regret it, without this I wouldn’t be able to do the thing I (thought I) loved, and yet, here I am, still using it, still trying to chase it for which I gave up the other.

Either or, neither nor, pick just one and forgo the other.

They make you give up more and more as you move on – they? Me.

My own inability means I cannot.

So at least, let me choose what I want to give up on?

This one try I have left. I will try not to waste it.

And yet, there are so many things ‘in the way’.

What am I supposed to do?

This too shall pass – such a thought comforts me.

All the same, I realised I was lacking today.

Because, I can’t really help them or myself despite my best efforts.

I chose to run a little away. It was only later I realised that I was running from a ghost, not a person, and felt a little silly.

Why is it that I feel this way? I do not know.

But I know I feel, that’s all.

–

(that said, my group makes me happy.

I have to be at least happy for the little pleasures in life, right?

If nothing else, let these be my last beautiful memories of being here.

Being together, painting a picture of the future we wanted to see, filled with heartaches and tinged by laziness, fear of being compared, and playing to our own strengths.

Of adventures and crazy thoughts, of “Speed and Power” and “No!”

and dancing in a classroom and forgetting that there were people having classes next door… simply because our teacher was gone.

Appreciating that there were teachers like that one, who came over next door and scolded us – even if he killed the mood, for good reason.

He was probably tired after a long day, that and stressed out, but you know?

I just hope we don’t get him. Or our class will feel the brunt of our mistakes.)

–

You’re pushing, pulling,

I’m pulling, pushing away;

And at the end of this we are still right there,

next to each other.

I haven’t said it and you

might never read this,

but like the way I shook

with my head on your shoulder,

and the wracking sobs – their voice

in the background,

“Let out all the stress,” that only made me bite my lip

harder.

(I am grateful)

I am not sure if things

would have been better if

you had been there

or not.

Again, it always comes

down to

.

(Don’t show your weaknesses to people who you cannot trust.

But how will you ever learn to trust that person without it?)

 

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