If good things come in pairs,

does that mean bad things come in threes?

–

When writing, we love to use the rule of three,

in photography the rule of thirds,

in life, third time is the charm.

–

If good things were to come in pairs because even numbers are more ‘beautiful’ then, I guess then, things that are not in pairs are not quite as good.

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You know, telling yourself that you shouldn’t regret doesn’t change the fact that you regret things, people do, everyone does, regardless of whether we want to or not.

But, it’s silly to regret a lot of things.

That said and everything done and dusted, well, it seems like I haven’t managed to do anything right.

Again, no one is happy.

Between someone you promised to be with and someone who waited for you, if you were with neither for the whole duration and you know that sense of abandonment, (eyes begging for understanding) then, what can you do to make things better?

After spending time with people, extended periods of time, you begin to understand them a little bit better.

I found someone who seems a little bit like me.

Similar, but not the same.

We differ in key aspects but that doesn’t…

Is it human nature to find and like people who are similar to you?

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When you both want a closer connection but at the same time are fearful of overstepping boundaries, then, it becomes a question of who will open up first.

This time, let me open.

So we opened a little, on both sides. And that works well.

–

I say it easily but of course, it hurts me.

If it makes you happier, then, repeat it in your head.

I won’t say it too many times.

I am a little bit worried, that if I say it a few more times, it will hurt more than it has to.

They say they have next year to fix us but I kind of need fixing now, and somehow I just doubt it (so much) that they can fix us.

That kind of implication that if they can do it next year, they didn’t try this year, or that if they can’t do it this year, they won’t be able to do it next year either.

It’s always best not to think about that kind of thing because there’s a stark contrast and I cannot reconcile how () they sound outside of work with how un() and all else they sound at other times.

Put on that smile and call out like nothing is wrong (even simple greetings) when I don’t want to be in their presence any longer than necessary.

And it’s such a pity, because I really, really was looking forward to learning. I guess that’s where I fell short. I screwed up. Fine. It’s my fault. I can take the blame on myself. But it never explains why I cannot be fixed. It is not a sufficient explanation for my ineptitude, nor is it a good enough explanation that accounts for how I just don’t seem to improve.

There’s a difference.

If trying hard was all that mattered, then it would be fine.

But, when hard work does not translate to results, a lesson here to be learnt is that hard work means nothing.

Rather than have spent the time on that, I would have much preferred to have spent it on that which I liked so much more.

It’s too late for regrets.

Then ‘them’ that I actually like and look up to and want to make happy are disappointed. What hurts the most is that they are still so hopeful and cautious and encouraging – the things I like so much about them, but they do not realise that I am not really worth it. How can I be if I chose someone else’s over theirs?

Because shortcomings on that end (and every end) are mine and mine alone.

I regret it though. If I was going to get a U in the end, then, well, I would rather have given up on that end and devoted my time to the other things which could definitely have been better.

–

(what is the most painful is that at the end of it, they only consider you a minor blip, a minor infraction that they think they can deal with, easily. And then, ‘they’ still express their belief and trust. I want to refuse to devote time to them. I want to rechannel all my energy to ‘them’. But if at the end of it all, they panic and realise that I am indeed beyond fixing, what can they do? Will they attempt to retract their statements, will that reduce their culpability?)

Where is there a reduction in culpability if right now that culpability is already at zero?

You can’t take my youth away, but they have broken my soul.

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There’s something ironic when you get the same mark for a question you completed and another question you did, when, well, you only did half that question.

–

I wake up again today,

but my youth is already gone.

–

Students across the world face different problems.

I should be grateful that it’s easy enough for me to get to school.

I should also be grateful for the chance of education.

I am told to be grateful for many things.

But you know what?

I realise most people aren’t grateful for anything.

So if I was ungrateful, that doesn’t make me a worse person. It makes me human.

And it makes you human as well.

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If all that sounds like are excuses for ungratefulness, then my question is why are excuses bad?

My question is also, why are so many people ungrateful then?

A question the continues from is that is, is ungratefulness even bad?

Is murder bad?

Is stealing bad?

What is bad?

If nothing is bad, then what can be good?

Who cares if it’s two or three?

Things come as they may.

You cannot do anything about what comes to you.

–

(oh. what a ranty chunk.)

But I feel better now after blurting it all now.

Let’s see if it gets past self-censorship?

–

If you combine teenage angst with life problems, sprinkle cynicism, optimism, fatalism and top it with a cherry of doom, you get this.

oops.

Bad life decisions, bad choices, too many expectations, too little time and too much laziness and above all, Stupidity with a capital S.

Thanks for telling me that.

Just what I needed to hear, right?

To snap a person out of their self-pitying and their mid-life funk.

But all the same, it’s not really correct.

When people do that, doesn’t the anger in them coalesce? Doesn’t it turn into molten vitriol?

Doesn’t it become targetted? Doesn’t that make things worse?

Then, when you hide it behind a smile like nothing is wrong and the people around you love to be fooled, then, who is in the most danger?

–

(I’ve already said, sometimes I scare myself.)

But how is that possible?

I open a little bit, use that anger to paint a couple of words here and there, but that is as dangerous as not using it.

Emotions have been weaponised.

They use it best.

Sometimes, I imagine that they enjoy toying with yours, winding you up and attempting to get a rise out of you.

It is, interesting how I have shifted from the use of ‘me’ and ‘I’ to ‘you’. Perhaps, this is a de-escalation of tension and anger?

Coldly, regarding the wreck, cocking your head aside with a face that is unruffled. A vision of apathy is what they seem to hate the most.

That is good.

I would like to get a rise of out of them.

Only then, I can weaponise their emotion.

(anger is not targetted. anger is like a bomb waiting to explode. I will make them explode in front of my eyes.)

I will be burnt. That’s okay. There is no need to hide anymore.

Three words, statements.

–

Of course, I question my ability to do so.

Another situation and my focus is immediately derailed.

That’s also good, you know?

That your life hasn’t been consumed by one aspect.

That you have other priorities.

That brings hope.

That is good.

–

(keep going)

say it to yourself

and to other people.

fool no one twice but

yourself.

lie to no one except when

it will help.

but if that means many times

is that bad?

 

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