oscillating between Dunning-Kruger and Imposter Syndrome and questioning if all of this is just a cover-up for just not belonging.
Over this weekend, I had a particularly healing conversation with a good friend of mine. I said I would write after promotionals but guess who has decided to set aside 20 minutes to 9 p.m. to write?
You’ve made a good guess.
Writing, as I’ve tried to find, is supposed to be healing, but there’s something therapeutic in having someone who will listen to you, regardless of the nonsense you’re saying.
Dunning-Kruger is a more commonly known effect among people but did you know, there’s this thing called Imposter Syndrome as well?
DK is when you dk you dk and think you’re great.
Imposter Syndrome is when you wake up one day and think, “Hey, I don’t think I should be here. I’m where I am today by luck and by chance, someday people are going to realise I’m a fake and actually I’m not that hard working or that smart or that good in anything,” when in actual fact you are as hard working, smart and good and everything that you need to be.
While it’s particularly liberating to find a label to put to the emotions that churn inside you and have churned inside me for a while, I am still unconvinced that what I have is IS.
I’m sure many gifted people have IS.
But I can’t shake off that feeling that I don’t have IS, I’m just an imposter.
(I feel like an imposter) were my exact words to my friend.
I don’t feel smart at all, and my grades quite clearly show that I’m not intelligent enough to be here and where I am, but I am.
I can’t help but feel that outside are people who wanted this opportunity more, work harder, better, faster, and are stronger, smarter, better than me who didn’t get it because of me, this imposter who somehow faked it till I made it.
Gradually, my grades pull the carpet from beneath my feel, pull at the threads of my sanity and I am beginning to unravel. So, I’ll be seen as an imposter and a fake sooner or later.
I would love to think that I belong, that I am smart enough, that it wasn’t chance but my own ability that landed me where I am today, but would that just be DK speaking?
I do not know, but I’d to think I know that I am not smart enough to be in this position.
Some days I feel like a waste of resources. Being here has stolen this opportunity from someone who desperately wanted this place for more meaningful reasons.
My reason is a small, personal, selfish one.
Where I am, sometimes it feels like a crime to ()
(should I delete that line? I am not sure I can say things like this anymore. Do I have a right to air my own views in this air I share with people who are just that much more academically capable than me?)
I backed out. I’ll tell you another time, after promos, my friend.
When they look at me like that, I question my choices and my existence – their eyes are asking me the same question I ask myself all the time, “What am I doing here, wasting your air and wasting your space and time and energy?”
My answer is that I don’t know.
I don’t know anything anymore.
Are their eyes asking me that, or am I unconsciously projecting onto them? Would it hurt me very much if they asked me outright – compared to now where I all I have to bear with are their eyes?
That I know, it would hurt, very very much. Validation that what I feel is neither DK nor IS induced, I was just a fake from the beginning.
I was lucky, I got lucky.
Everything was luck and chance.
I want to remind you of a comic I shared in a much earlier post – Pencilsword’s On A Plate
Did I have to work hard to get where I am? Yeah, I guess. But isn’t that also due to luck?
The way I was brought up, my family’s relatively stable financial situation, my luck in having friends who were supportive, things like that?
Aren’t they all luck?
I got lucky. I don’t belong here in this place filled with people who are that much better.
The only position I take now is being () because there’s no one else left to be ().
I think I might suffocate in this place which doesn’t seem to have much () to go around.
I love how convenient ()s are. They can mean so many things.
If you’re in my situation, the first thing you think about is the correct thing.
The guess is correct, the situation is livable but not and tiring but exhausting to keep up a charade that I’m… ().
I don’t know.
Am I even ()?
Maybe all I need is a little validation but I don’t think I deserve it
This defeatism and fatalism is not a good mentality – it doesn’t mean I stop studying, I know if I stop I will get 4 Us.
But it’s a sense of helplessness and bitterness that I’m in the wrong place. This is not my spot, I shouldn’t have been here.
It doesn’t help that no matter how hard I seem to be trying nothing seems to be helping and I feel defeated and tired all the time and the way they look at me like I’m just not good enough makes me hurt because I know it already.
Hard work means nothing if you have no results to show for it.
Okay. I know.
I feel terrible that time is still being spent on someone who doesn’t have a chance of anything.
That’s why I’d prefer it if you saw someone else in that time – I’m taichi-ing the emotional burden away from me, I give it to you to decide, so in your verdict, I want an answer – a confirmation of whether or not I am worth it.
I no longer know what I know or what I need, let alone what I deserve.
If I deserve nothing I will not fight for anything, I give up right here and now.
Don’t let me waste your time anymore, focus on the people who are actually worth something.
I’ll try my best but if I don’t make it please don’t think of it as your fault. It was all chance.
I was a fake from the start.
(the little things give them away)
the little signs I can see,
blending with my own paranoia
and crushing soul-rending agony,
bone-deep weariness and
the desire to throw everything
All of this culminates in my view that
in their eyes,
I am not worth it.
Is this my view or theirs?
Am I extrapolating or seeing things,
Or just reading too far,
or am I in too deep?