Ask yourself questions

like

“What do you want?”

“Why are you doing this?”

and

“Why do you feel like this?”

.

I find my answers are sometimes, “I don’t know.”

But because you don’t know no one can know.

That’s something beautiful about the world and about you.

Your eyes are like shutters, close and then the world cannot peep into you.

I find people are like kueh lapis.

Layered but fundamentally the same throughout. I believe that in all the facets of a human’s personality, there will be something that is the same.

When you understand that portion, you come to understand a person.

You might not appreciate the person that that person comes to be, when reconstructed, but you will understand and know that person.

This is a problem when a person does not know themselves and then cannot present a coherent self to the rest of the world.

When I look at you and I frown, cock my head aside like seeing the natural slant to your face will help me understand you better I would like you to know that you confuse me.

You may take my hand and bring me to the places that you would like to go, but your hands will not crush mine.

Your words do not shape my personality on a whole, but they affect how I treat you and you alone.

I will not change the way I treat other people just because of things you have said and therefore the person that you know and other people know are not the same until you understand the things about me that do not change.

But you don’t know, I guess.

That makes me a little conflicted because I thought that we were about the same, barring minor deviations. I realise I was a little too hopeful and we are not the same at all.

What I saw in you that I saw in me is the thing about me that shouldn’t change but the thing in you that you throw away easily.

I am a little disillusioned, but that’s nothing new.

I am maybe a little too comfortable now, with regrets and destruction and the thought that ’emotions are pesky things’ but at the same time, I know that I cannot get rid of my emotions and that I feel.

When I look at you like I do not care, when I look the most bored, sometimes (though not all the times) I am tussling with one too many emotions and trying to synthesise a normal reaction.

I don’t like it when my emotions are too much on display, but in particular, I cannot help the emotion called ‘-‘.

Though, hiding my eyes, I cannot help the way I make myself smaller or larger.

These little things give you away.

I have this unhelpable tendency to overthink rather than underthink because I am afraid that I will not see through your fluff and your gentle downturns when you need it.

How much of what I see is you and what I want to see and what I am afraid to see and therefore see it now rather than later if you truly mean it?

I don’t know, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see what I see.

Yesterday someone said, “I trust that they have enough common sense.”

I smiled and replied, “I guess, that’s where we’re different. I don’t trust people.”

It’s as much a lie as our last two lines are truthful.

That person followed up with, “Well, the chair is also right next to me anyway.”

My conclusion is, that, well, maybe they don’t trust people but that they trust themselves (themself?) enough.

I do trust people.

I trust you when you say that you need someone to talk to, I trust you when you say things.

But I don’t trust you when you look like that.

Don’t look at me like you are completely innocent.

Don’t look at me like you are the only person I can trust.

Don’t look at me as if you can control me.

Because cornered people will break down the walls behind them if they can’t kill you.

You.

I do not trust you anymore.

Sometimes, trust is lost in one fell swoop.

Sometimes, like in our case, you gained my trust right there and then because I like to give out that trust and I trusted you instinctively.

But you made me lose my trust in other people and I regret that you managed to do that because now that you have begun to lose mine I am not sure if I should trust the rest.

You.

Are the component that I do not trust – I relied on you in my moment of weakness, should have known from the beginning that I cannot rely like this on you because unlike with myself, I do not know what you are thinking.

“Bye”,

say it so easily,

“Another time”,

say it easier still but

i am not sure,

who hurts more when I turn you

down.

 

Here,

let me confess truthfully without a

single lie,

Hey this is only one

statement that I’m

making

:

 

I will not take you at face value anymore.

I will trust everyone else on sight, even if they turn out to be like you.

But you.

You I cannot trust anymore.

You are the first person whose relationship with me that I do not want to fix anymore.

 

It’s interesting to note how in this case my use of ‘you’ has increased.

It’s always better to start with ‘I’ statements because you know how you feel.

There’s a difference between, “You made me distrust you,” and “I no longer trust you.”

Blame is not placed so explicitly in the latter.

But I want to walk away from you now and tell you that.

I want to tell you, “I don’t trust you anymore,” and I realise that this is the exact predicament that we thought of a couple months ago, “What happens if we start to mistrust each other,” and in my mind the blame is simple.

I misunderstood you and my expectations were not met.

My expectation that I would be able to trust you and rely on you has fallen through.

goodbye.

 

[look into my eyes. if you look

deep

enough and you have ever understood me,

you will see it there. I want to fix us still.

I want to fix things so badly but I cannot do it like this.]

 

 

 

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