I can see a thousand stars in the sky

but I can’t photograph a single one.

Day 21 – it’s unhealthy to number days like this, to put a quantifier to your own pain but I think, this is my way of coping and reassuring myself that this too shall pass.

Rah and I guess Nah wouldn’t approve of this at all – (how many times did you say to stop writing?) – no, not at all but I’m still writing and wandering in my thoughts.

3500 + 300 words on and I’m still stuck.

I explored a submarine today but as I was inside, above land, I thought I could feel the ocean’s weight around me – crushing or threatening to crush me.

“Dear me, you did not learn this

in a day

or two

or three.”

Or 20,

21

or 25.

I’d like to think of it that way. I can’t run away forever.

This is week 3.

Once week 4 blows past, I’ll have only an extra week (is it extra? Of course not, exam time ought to be my priority), that one more week before I have to get everything in order.

Or, if I want to be cold or darkly amused – I have all the time and never have to face up to my fears because I won’t ever see it again.

I will never have to. Our paths do not have to cross again.

They were made to but they have diverged.

Like 2 linear graphs, y = mx + c where one’s m is the absolute value of the other’s and the other’s < 0.

One intersection point and that’s the only x value needed to gain the marks in the exam and after that throw away all of this so you will feel better.

I’m throwing things away, slowly, trying not to relieve 3800 words to the best of my ability but there’s an almost bittersweet fondness by which I regard my own pain – it’s a dull throbbing that I would like to leave alone.

But since I can’t, I have to at least make it hurt less, yes?

I will tell myself it does not hurt and instead do the Chinese homework I was supposed to have done last night.

Does it hurt?

I guess it does, huh.

That’s weird.

I can’t photograph any of the stars, because I need to have a longer exposure upwards of 30 minutes and I don’t have access to this balcony – the knob is too cold to touch and honestly, I don’t like the cold.

The picture of the stars would be beautiful but I don’t think I can last 30 minutes in the cold.

I keep buying myself time and continue telling myself that I am getting better, just slowly.

Fake it till you make it – I am writing only to convince myself because my belief is shaken each time I talk about it.

Fake it till you make it – emotions are a combination of physiological and psychological responses.

Also, I think I will make a mistake tomorrow.

I am afraid for the future.

Do your homework,

do your revision,

do everything you can right now so that,

you will be free.

Free to do as you please,

plunge headfirst into something

you aren’t even sure you like,

for the sake of someone else,

for the sake of assuring yourself that you are

okay.

 

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