Present is the ache

of the cold between my ribs, not so unlike the ache in my heart as I count the days.

Today is day 20.

By day 25 I have committed to forgetting.

() came and went.

As () approached, particularly in the run-up, I had many more things that I did which took a toll on my emotions.

Of everything, () will have to take the cake, because this became too personal.

It’s stupid, I feel. I was stupid, that is. It was just supposed to be a job but I got too involved. I should have just left it alone to the other people supposed to actually do those things.

I was asked, I agreed, and I thought I could help.

So I wondered a couple of times – I helped a little, but in the course of that I ended up hurting other interests as well. So, was it worth it?

If I went back in time with this defeatist attitude, I wouldn’t have done it again.

But I know the person who made that choice – I would keep making that choice and I cannot afford to regret it because it’s done and doesn’t help anyone for me to feel this way.

The cold left an ache in my chest as I inhaled too fast – my muscles seized and I was left with this stitch like sensation in the middle of the left half of my chest.

My shoulders ached from the weight of my bag and my bag straps slid off my shoulders with each step – I buckled my bag straps across my collarbone and felt the plastic buckle’s bite.

There was an ache where the plastic bit met my protruding bone.

It aches.

Day 20.

I am in a state of recovery.

I thought 3500 words would solve the issue and help me come to terms with it, but 3500 + 100 words later, I am still hovering somewhere between frustration at myself and external, take-it-out-on and vent-it-out-at people anger.

But the thing is, I don’t feel any better from Day 15 – Day 16 was the worst day of all these days but- though not worse.

The state of my emotions is about as bad as Day 14, though the reasons why I did/do not feel as normal as I usually would are different. Was my state on Day 14 bad..?

Not necessarily. But relatively speaking, not as good as I could be?

Is it bad to want to be happy?

What about feeling contented, accepted and wanted? These are all human feelings that I would one day like to be able to discard.

I would like to be me for the sake of myself and not be the other person that people would like me to be.

There’s a problem here. I do not know what is ‘me’ anymore.

I do know that I want to be happy accepted contented and wanted, but, the way to do that is to be the ‘me’ that other people want to see.

Again, I do not know what is ‘me’.

However, I do know that when I act differently, when I am insecure and questioning, my friends do not think it to be me.

They say it’s not like the usual me. But these are already the ones who are supportive and have helped me through this trying period and are still helping me get through this period of time where I question myself every second that I am awake.

I do not think there has ever been a 20 day period in my life where I have felt this way before. Again, 20 is not arbitrary, because I use 15-16-14, but these are relative to when I say was the start of my hurting.

Can I be in pain or in doubt without knowing it myself?

I do not know.

If you did not see or hear of the tree falling, how could you think to ask about that tree?

I just turned on the heater.

It is getting cold again.

It also got darker, so I turned up the brightness of my screen.

I hope the light chases away these shadows, the same way these words (those words) are the manifestation of my doubts and sorrow.

The first step someone said was to accept that you are hurting.

Right. So I am hurting.

Next step is to just forget about it.

Okay. I’ll try.

I’m trying,

Also, thank you for dealing patiently and kindly with someone who was needy.

I am needy at times as well, so, I’m very okay with you if you’re ever needy.

I used a green piece of paper to keep track of the days,

green,

my favourite colour and

my most precious stack of post-its from a friend.

That was silly.

I track the days like I track debate –

on and off intermittently because

I would rather not.

At the same time I wasn’t really given much of a

choice.

I lost my other post its and was left

with the most protected ones.

My defenses were down

though I knew they should have been

up.

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