doesn’t really help you express your own feelings.
From Scorpia Rising, I learnt that emotional pain can score off the charts which score people for physical pain.
I have a friend who often says that “You don’t need to be sorry, you just need to be better,” and that sometimes catches people off-guard.
It’s an assumption that when people are sorry, they will do better the next time, but the thing is, that sets us up for greater and greater disappointment each time.
You know, that friend whom you’re always expecting to be late, till the point you tell them a far earlier time so they meet you on time?
You’re probably hoping and wishing even though you know they won’t, hoping and wishing that they will come on time.
Maybe even early so they feel what it’s like to wait.
It hurts, doesn’t it?
To be proven right each time that they’re late, that they forget this or forget that – all the little things that pile up and you keep ignoring because… honestly it’s not worth it to get upset over.
Upset, angry and hurt aren’t exactly synonyms of each other.
If you didn’t remind them, they probably wouldn’t remember to say ‘sorry’ either. But why does the hundredth ‘sorry’ sound and mean so much less than the first?
Look at it the other way.
You don’t mean to hurt the person, you know even though they say that “It’s okay,” you know that obviously it isn’t but the number of ‘sorry’s you offer doesn’t change anything.
I try to be better.
But I know that doesn’t really work.
The world just seems to keep working against me all the time.
No matter how hard I try I just can’t this and can’t that.
[you recognise that people are humans
you shove away the pain you feel when people don’t this and don’t that because
you have fallen short of those standards before and
you don’t have the
But does the pot being black change the fact that the kettle is black?
No, it doesn’t.
I think everyone has a right to complain, regardless of their situation or their relative amount of luxury in life.
Choke out those words like it physically pains you and you grimace, looking away in shame and the person physically recoils like the apology has slapped them in the face and you repeat yourself.
“I’m really sorry, [insert name].”
They conjure up a smile.
“No, it’s okay.”
When I say it’s okay, I am trying to mean it.
How is it possible to hurt and be conflicted all the same?
People are not black-and-white, good-and-evil, and no matter what other people might say about what you say about everyone else I still consider you a friend and I want to defend you to the best of my ability.
Even when people throw evidence in my face I trust that you are not straightforwardly bad and that I can and I will trust you.
I am so conflicted when I look at you but I shove aside this maelstrom of emotion to think rationally and somehow my conclusion is always the one that the irrational portion of my mind will not accept.
If a hundred people tell you a hundred different stories and views then at least ninety-nine must be a combination of lies and misunderstandings.
What’s the statistical possibility of that?
…I rather not think about it.
Math says it’s unlikely.
It isn’t something that can be fixed with a ‘sorry’.
I’m not sure honesty or openness can fix this.
I am so sorry that we are so broken now.
This is broken. The system the world life and everything is so broken I don’t know how to fix it.
Like the child that broke a vase, puzzling over which piece goes where – a shoddy attempt at piecing back together what was once whole.
If it can be broken, then it was imperfect to begin with but it was all we had.
And when we both tire of trying to fix what has happened, we rest in our pieces.
Some will fit together eventually I think.
Some of these broken pieces mixed with other broken pieces can come together and form back something that means something again.
I have this traitorous hope that things will get better, that things can still be fixed, that there is hope.
That it’s okay to keep hoping no matter what the situation now looks like.
To press on regardless and do your best to fix things even if I’m setting myself up for disappointment.
I don’t want to be sorry again.
I want to be better.
It always repeats,
this never-ending cycle,
someone will be hurt.
This time it’s my fault,
I apologise for that,
but I can’t help it.
How painful is it,
seeing someone else in pain,
knowing it’s your fault?
Is it bad to doubt,
if you really are sorry?
Because I do now.
I want to forget,
fall into a peaceful sleep,
forget and forgive.